Aim high. Ride easy. Trust the Universe.

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Hard as it is we cannot shrink from our relationships or we simply become an audience. I have struggled this with my whole life, being fearful of what might happen if I actually voice my concerns and needs, surprised that in doing so, whilst not always easy and pleasant, always enables me to be myself more fully.

The philosopher Martin Buber believed that God is more deeply known through relationships and he spoke to the heart of this paradox.

He said that before there can be a true relationship there must be two separate beings who can relate. Most of our life experiences bear this out. Unless we work to be ourselves we can never truly know others or the numinous world we live in.

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in Thoughts 121

I've grappled with self-doubt my whole life. My reward for being recognised and loved was based on a performing monkey basis, that was my motto until the cage became too small and the falling down meant staying down.

The deeper my cry the more my choices became clear. And this cry makes those of my loves more distinct.

My one-word wonder is calling into question whom she should love and, with it, opening a field of complexities - life quickly becomes an endless consideration of possibilities and allegiances. What I've come to understand is that all decisions to be made about who and where and when were really heartfelt distractions from a deeper cry. Underneath all the painful ambiguities and assessments, her very soul is sinking out of reach of the feel of life.

Once we hear the deeper cry our choices become very basic and straightforward - how do I regain my wonder at being alive? Time and again we are shown, by the quiet courage of others, that if we can let the deeper cry through the next step will come plainly into view.

Our falling down but not staying down reinstates the trust she seeks out and speaks of, ours is deepening.

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in Thoughts 97

I have a deep and rich home with a person whose cells are connected to mine and, in which, the fabric of our life forms a tapestry, a cosmos of colour which is both complicated and simple all at the same time. 

My soul mate, however, is someone quite different and that realisation has both startled and settled me.

I glimpse at the context of her story; in the moments she reveals them to me, and only briefly do I turn around to see her face because, in that moment, there is a perfect beauty in our staying anonymous.  It's those times, simply and deeply, without us ever knowing, the moment of pointed and unexpected truth, when we're more at home together than in our own skin.

The life of spirit is everywhere - in dust waiting for light, in music waiting to be heard, in the sensations of the day waiting to be felt and in our eyes that, together, finally see.

Being spiritual is much more useful and immediate than the books about books would have us think.

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in Thoughts 80

Unintended hurt is as common as branches snapping but it is unacknowledged hurt that becomes a wound. What causes hurt to each other? It's hard to say really but, it seems that - being human - we are subject to many ancient and powerful opposites found in life. Light and dark, yes and no, fear and peace.

It is out of fear that we feel the need to isolate ourselves and control others. When not afraid, when in a moment of peace, we feel quite a different need. We feel a need to connect and belong to other living things and it is then, in the act of true embrace, that we love one another.

Still, we're not exempt from both sleeping and waking, feeling both fear and peace, being both hurtful and loving. But the world is kept whole by those who can overcome their fear, however, briefly. 

Even if our awareness of being hurtful comes after delivering the hurt, the smallest word or gesture - owning what we've done - reopens the heart.

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in Thoughts 78

An old feeling settled into my cells over the past few days - I even felt a little comfortable with it, like an old pair of shoes your feet slip naturally into even if you don't like how they look on you anymore.

Fear has been a constant companion in my life and, over the many years of trips around the sun, I've both shunned and befriended it. This love-hate relationship has threatened to define or defeat me as I've realised that, the only way to stay close to the pulse of life is our ability to change, to shed off whatever we are carrying that is no longer alive. To cast off our dead skin because dead skin can't feel. Dead eyes can't see. Dead ears can't hear. And without feeling, there is no chance of wholeness, and wholeness remains our chance to survive the pain of breaking.

This fear encompassed and encased a deep fear that I wasn't, as my true self, enough. Whole enough, strong enough, rich enough, wise enough and, in showing my authentic self, in casting off the layers that no longer served me, would leave me exposed to the elements and the deep sense of abandonment would finally be realised.

I understand that this dead skin takes many forms, a dead way of thinking, seeing, relating, believing or a dead way of experiencing. In essence, shedding opens up to self-transformation. Those of us who refuse such renewal will, sooner or later, be forced to undergo transformation anyway as a result of being broken or eroded by the world. Very often both occur at the same time, we shed from within whilst being eroded from without. 

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in Thoughts 181