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Missing time

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This evening, over supper and soft light my soul friend, ultimate mirror and true guide caught up. We’ve been missing things - each other mostly - and it was time. Time to find our way back.

But in truth I never wanted to go back, I wanted to find another path and that was probably where we missed each other. I had to find that - or am finding that - all on my own. It’s been the strangest thing and truthfully I never thought, of all the people in my life, the one person who really sees me, would be the one casualty of this experience.

I don’t know what made me lose my way. No that’s not the truth I know exactly what happened, bit by bit everything about me was chipped away until the last pebble dropped the brick wall I had built and nothing, nothing, was left. I took it for granted. The wall I mean. I thought it was a wishing well of sorts, a place I went to pull another defensive brick from in order to throw it at the blows life kept dealing me - you know that ‘attack is the best form of defence' mentality. Keep throwing those bricks and surely the attacks will be defected?

It didn’t work.

And in all that what I lost most was time. The small intricacies of life, the day to day nothingness that really makes up the complete fabric of our lives. It’s the in betweenness that defines us - not the up in lights moments that we think comprise the stories. It’s who we are when no one is looking that comprises who we really are. What do you do when it’s an idyl Wednesday and you’re blind-sided with a problem you suspected was there but really didn’t have the tools to deal with. That’s when you know who you are and what you’re made of.

As it turns out I didn’t know who I was or what I was made of so I just stopped. I stopped time, for myself, and just sat there. In the meantime her life passed, as did mine, and we missed it and each other.

As she said we could go back and fill each other in but that’s just catching up - it doesn’t replace what was lost so we missed time. The one thing that you can never get back.

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