Say something, I'm giving up you ...

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It's the saddest song.

A week before I left my ex I sent it to him and his response was 'you and your songs'.

The other day I was driving and I flipped to a playlist and this song came up. I pulled over to listen to the words - I'm a songs with words kinda person (also dancing in the kitchen, pick-me-up kinda music person) and a wave of sadness came over me that I've not shaken yet.

Until now.

This was before the words 'cancer-free came across our path and the love of my life came home with me. And I got a new client and I saw my sister on her birthday and our family this weekend and SO many plusses. But still, sadness sat.

My love asks me, why I can't shake this and the truth is, as I now see it, is because I am still learning to love.

In my two years of single-life, I learned more about myself than, perhaps, 45-years prior to that. I learned to choose better. I learned resilience. And quiet. And busy-ness. And distraction. And boundaries and bravery and choosing myself.

So when I think back on the song it's now not about him it's about ME. I gave up, chose to leave, the constructed version of me (that I had participated in). I did it clumsily, to begin with, and having stumbled I learned to stand, then walk, then move with pride and I'm still evolving.

Isn't that the best part ... we're all still evolving?

So this evening I danced in my kitchen with too loud music and my motley and ever-growing crew; having promised my love that there would be MORE dancing because we have much to celebrate and I can already hear her rolling her eyes.

We close our eyes to see, it would appear. Dreams were keeping me awake but now I'm awake and, as it turns out, waking up is the best part of everything.

I love you. We can do hard things. 

Compartments in my heart
It's been a year! This is one of the things I'm mo...
 

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Sunday, 26 September 2021