“People who dream when they sleep at night know of a special kind of happiness which the world of the day holds not,”
Are you nervous? You’re talking very fast.
Of course, I answer. And we drive into the sunrise. My mind and mouth running stories and Skye yawning off nausea.
We looked at Pinterest boards for decorating ideas, discuss outrageous co-payments, spoke of nurses and their qualifications, and a small child whose mother was more concerned with her phone than her daughter in pajamas.
I’ll leave you here, I need to get into the zone.
The elevator closed.
Please can I have a table close to a plug for my laptop, a double espresso, a glass of water with ice and lemon?
It’s only 8 am.
The time passed like sand through an hourglass. My beloved sister sent me an amazing podcast, I scribbled notes, ordered another coffee.
It’s only 10h00.
The podcast ended, I asked for my bill and went to a home store for home stuff. A woman loudly complained to a staff member about the long queue as I pulled at my face mask. It’s too hot. It’s too busy.
It’s only 11h00.
I take my bags and my shopping to my car and climb into the quiet aircon – away from all the people I’ve become not accustomed to and try to close my eyes.
A short time away I woman knocks on my window to ask if I’m OK. To be fair, it must have looked strange. Me, with my car running, my eyes closed – sort of.
I said I was fine. And thank you.
It’s only 12h00.
I message Skye’s daughter and say, let me pick you up, I could do with the drive to wake me up. She says sure, I won’t be long. I close my eyes again.
It’s only 13h00
Then I’m paying for my parking ticket and there is this lady whose battling with her payment, I ask if I can help and she looks at me. There is a language barrier, for a brief moment. I look again and say’ ‘you don’t have to pay, you’ve been here less than an hour’; she smiles, goes to touch my hand then stops herself and there is no longer a language barrier.
We arrive back at the centre where I’ve made a ‘home’ and pick a restaurant – it’s outside and feels free and light and I’m super glad for the company. I’m still talking too fast and my hands are shaking and I’m sure that Jade thinks I’m either super mad or feels sorry for her Mum.
We order food. For ourselves and Skye and we talk. I’m ever so grateful for the company and the open air and the people and the time passing.
It’s 15h00
For god sake can you just call already? As I look at my phone for the millionth time in maybe a millisecond.
It’s 16h00
We’re in the car and I’ve forgotten to pay for parking but that’s resolved with my change purse and laughter. I say, wouldn’t it be magic if we speak to Mum when we’re both in the car. Jade says, are we manifesting here? I say, of course. Waze tells me where to drive – because I can get lost in my downstairs loo, and I look briefly at my phone.
She’s online.
We call. Her voice is weak but it’s there.
I put on my sunglasses because I don’t want to cry in front of anyone, least of all Skye’s daughter.
My hands stop shaking for the first time in maybe 24 hours.
It’s only 16h30
Your temperature is 37.6 (what should it be?).
Where are you going?
To pick up my girlfriend.
From where?
Hell!
Alex, I’m here.
It’s only 17h30 and we’re home.
There are fresh flowers.
Dogs barking and bouncing.
Cats playing and complaining
A pig who is put out – obviously!
And I close the back door, lock it and breathe for maybe the first time in a very long time.
Maybe I’ll sleep past 3 am sometimes but the truth is I’d rather be awake and aware than sleepwalking.
Thank you to EVERYONE who held my hand today. My world is because of you and I love you, all.
“Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road.”
Go back to sleep. Everything will be ok. I love you. We can do hard things.
“People who dream when they sleep at night know of a special kind of happiness which the world of the day holds not,”
Are you nervous? You’re talking very fast.
Of course, I answer. And we drive into the sunrise. My mind and mouth running stories and Skye yawning off nausea.
We looked at Pinterest boards for decorating ideas, discuss outrageous co-payments, spoke of nurses and their qualifications, and a small child whose mother was more concerned with her phone than her daughter in pajamas.
I’ll leave you here, I need to get into the zone.
The elevator closed.
Please can I have a table close to a plug for my laptop, a double espresso, a glass of water with ice and lemon?
It’s only 8 am.
The time passed like sand through an hourglass. My beloved sister sent me an amazing podcast, I scribbled notes, ordered another coffee.
It’s only 10h00.
The podcast ended, I asked for my bill and went to a home store for home stuff. A woman loudly complained to a staff member about the long queue as I pulled at my face mask. It’s too hot. It’s too busy.
It’s only 11h00.
I take my bags and my shopping to my car and climb into the quiet aircon – away from all the people I’ve become not accustomed to and try to close my eyes.
A short time away I woman knocks on my window to ask if I’m OK. To be fair, it must have looked strange. Me, with my car running, my eyes closed – sort of.
I said I was fine. And thank you.
It’s only 12h00.
I message Skye’s daughter and say, let me pick you up, I could do with the drive to wake me up. She says sure, I won’t be long. I close my eyes again.
It’s only 13h00
Then I’m paying for my parking ticket and there is this lady whose battling with her payment, I ask if I can help and she looks at me. There is a language barrier, for a brief moment. I look again and say’ ‘you don’t have to pay, you’ve been here less than an hour’; she smiles, goes to touch my hand then stops herself and there is no longer a language barrier.
We arrive back at the centre where I’ve made a ‘home’ and pick a restaurant – it’s outside and feels free and light and I’m super glad for the company. I’m still talking too fast and my hands are shaking and I’m sure that Jade thinks I’m either super mad or feels sorry for her Mum.
We order food. For ourselves and Skye and we talk. I’m ever so grateful for the company and the open air and the people and the time passing.
It’s 15h00
For god sake can you just call already? As I look at my phone for the millionth time in maybe a millisecond.
It’s 16h00
We’re in the car and I’ve forgotten to pay for parking but that’s resolved with my change purse and laughter. I say, wouldn’t it be magic if we speak to Mum when we’re both in the car. Jade says, are we manifesting here? I say, of course. Waze tells me where to drive – because I can get lost in my downstairs loo, and I look briefly at my phone.
She’s online.
We call. Her voice is weak but it’s there.
I put on my sunglasses because I don’t want to cry in front of anyone, least of all Skye’s daughter.
My hands stop shaking for the first time in maybe 24 hours.
It’s only 16h30
Your temperature is 37.6 (what should it be?).
Where are you going?
To pick up my girlfriend.
From where?
Hell!
Alex, I’m here.
It’s only 17h30 and we’re home.
There are fresh flowers.
Dogs barking and bouncing.
Cats playing and complaining
A pig who is put out – obviously!
And I close the back door, lock it and breathe for maybe the first time in a very long time.
Maybe I’ll sleep past 3 am sometimes but the truth is I’d rather be awake and aware than sleepwalking.
Thank you to EVERYONE who held my hand today. My world is because of you and I love you, all.
“Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road.”
Go back to sleep. Everything will be ok. I love you. We can do hard things.