I’m home alone for a few days.
I seem to operate like this – a house full of people and then dead quiet. Pen said to me the other day she wished she could be more consistent, I said I’ve resigned myself long ago to the fact that I just don’t operate like that.
Madness and Genius (not that I’m suggesting I’m either of those) sit quietly beside each other – it doesn’t have to be ALL grey! I think the juxtaposition is good – for me at least.
For the most part music moves my day along – I listen to my favourite local radio station from early in the morning, serving as background noise and perhaps some companionship. When I drive I listen to audio books and muse over the words – people are such delightful writers, aren’t they?
Then when I walk my dogs I listen to songs with words that I’ve mostly shazammed on nights I’ve binge-watched TV because again, I’m never consistent with that!
Today, though, it’s been so quiet.
I mean its been busy with phones and housekeepers and dogs and the usual madness but once everyone left and the phone went quiet I wanted nothing but that quiet.
In my red chair, at my desk, the crew sleeping soundly around me (except of course – the blasted black witches cats you refuse to obey me and come in because, well they’re cats!)
I can hear the house creaking as it cools down after the hot day, jackals call to their mates, a very large bullfrog wants to come in – a firm no on that. The deep sighs of my beloved animals as they ease into sleep after, another, easy day!
And it feels so calming not to have to fill my mind with endless banter because being quiet no longer means hearing my owns thoughts racing against each other. My sister referred to anxiety (told to her by someone else) as not having the capacity to find gaps between our thoughts – it made so much sense to me.
Everything lining up to get onto the treadmill of dread and worry until we’re collapsed in a heap of exhaustion and everything felt like an empty conveyor belt at airports we used to visit.
I miss a lot – we all do – in our COVID lives – what I don’t miss is that constant rushing, the gaps I filled with things to pass my time when really, the only thing I ever wanted was time. Don’t we all.
So, tonight, with gaps between my thoughts and the blissful silence around me I guess all I really just wanted to say was ‘Hi’!
I hope you have some silence and gaps between your thoughts and the ability to stop and take it all in. It’s a lovely thing – when we can stop and stare.
I love you. We can do hard things.